PERSONAL STORIES

RUTH'S STORY

Even though I was born and raised in an active LDS home, and have been a very active member of the Church for the majority of my life, I became addicted to a variety of substances. Being very conscientious as to how things looked to the outward world (and in my home town, that meant the Mormon culture in our community), the majority of the substances I abused, and finally became fully addicted to, were prescription medications and food. These were acceptable after all. The prescriptions came from a doctor and a pharmacy, not from the streets. How oblivious I was to the seriousness of the drugs I was using. Prescriptions or not, they were still drugs. And as to food, well, in our culture, do I really need to explain the acceptability and availability of food ?

My addictions began in my childhood. My mother abused prescriptions. And she taught me well. Started me early. By saying this, I do not mean that she was to blame for my addictions. Only that she was a model of the strung out Molly Mormon, looking "respectable," She even had me practice taking medications when around other people without drawing attention to myself. She was also a great cook and to not eat the bounties she prepared was considered an insult to her. But it has been and always will be my own vulnerabilities and disease that brought me into full addiction. True to the example she set, I did the Molly Mormon routine pretty well myself. I was fully active in the Church, with responsible positions of leadership. Strung out on drugs. Prescription drugs. Did you know that one Xanax pill is equivalent in its effect on the mind and body as one serving of liquor? People would flatter me and say what a wonderful Relief Society president I was, and how much I seemed to get done, never suspecting that I was ablaze all the time. All this time, my abuses of my body and spirit with food were just as excessive. Any complaints about that were considered problems of vanity, not addiction.

I used lots of doctors and lots of pharmacies. I got so I couldn't face a day without popping pills. I couldn't even get out of bed without a "fix." The reverse was also true. If I wanted to sleep, or sit through a meeting without coming out of my skin, I needed barbiturates, narcotics, and so on. For in between times, I managed to conveniently have the right symptoms to get doctors to give me a variety of pain pills and tranquilizers. Along with the progressive obsession with and dependency on drugs, was an extreme compulsiveness with food. I have weighed 220 pounds and I have weighed 100 pounds. I have been hospitalized with anorexia. A few years later I was hospitalized with bulimia.

I had a pattern of secretive use of alcohol that was "like unto a life apart." It was something that was so secret that neither my children nor my husband knew anything about it. It wasn't something that brought pleasure, only pain and degradation.

I first came to the 12 Step programs in 1977. I went to Al-Anon because I was concerned about someone close to me. I wanted the Al-Anon people to explain the alcoholic to me. This is called total denial on my part. No acceptance of what was going on in my own life. Seven years later, after more Al-Anon, some attendance at Alcoholics Anonymous and Overeaters Anonymous, I finally admitted I had a problem. I made a date with God: April 14, 1984. My supply would be gone then. It would be a weekend. I just would not get anymore amphetamines. I would rest over the weekend, and in my naivete, I thought all would be well.

So, of course, I was surprised when I ended up in an emergency room. The doctors said that with the level of amphetamine use, let alone the other drugs, that I was using when I stopped, it was a miracle that I didn't go into convulsions. I was unable to function in my home, school, or career training for nearly a month. To this very day, I know it was by the loving grace of our Heavenly Father, and my Savior, that I survived that period of time. I have gone on to experience the recovery process since then.

The 12 Step fellowships, and the 12 Steps, as a practical guide to living life on a spiritual basis, have brought amazing changes in my life. The 18-1/2 years since that Saturday in April have been full of ups and downs. I have had times of being more focused on sobriety, recovery and spirituality than others. But it has been a time of continual spiritual development.

In the year 2000, I became totally and permanently disabled. It has been necessary for me to make drastic life changes. Not only in adjusting to a different quality of health, but a drastically different life style as well. The Lord has been good to me and blessed me in a loving and protective way through difficult medical procedures. Nevertheless, at the beginning of the summer of 2002, I was full of despondency, anger, bitterness and self-pity. It just wasn't a pretty picture. Because of my health problems, I hadn't been able to go to 12-Step meetings for quite awhile. But as my attitude worsened, and my spiritual condition sickened, I decided to use the level of health and energy that had been restored to me to go to 12-Step meetings again.

During this time, a friend who was concerned about me brought me to an LDS Substance Abuse Recovery Group. At first I was defensive. The plain and simple terms the spiritual recovery is phrased in, as used in the original 12 Steps, were most precious to me. Probably because of their plainness, I didn't quite understand why the Church had chosen to rephrase those plain and simple truths. The fact that scriptural references were given to support each Step, as a divine principle from our Heavenly Father, didn't bother me. But the changing of the words did.

As is often true, when I become defensive, it means I have something to learn. So, I got a copy of the workbook, "And He Did Deliver Me From Bondage," that we were encouraged to use in the LDS Recovery Groups. I made it a matter of intense study, prayer and discussion with anyone and everyone who would listen. As I went through this process, I found that there areÊ immense differences between the standard Twelve Steps and those of the LDS Recovery Groups. And those differences have made all the difference to me.

First, the LDS Recovery Groups are presided over and conducted by the priesthood. There is a missionary and companion, who have been called of God to exercise the priesthood in those groups. The powers of heaven are called down for the healing of those of us in the groups. Sometimes the priesthood influence is so strong, it is almost tangible. Second, the basis of the spiritual steps for recovery in the LDS Substance Abuse Recovery Groups is a personal relationship with our Savior, Jesus Christ. In the other 12 Step programs, the basis of the spiritual program is referred to as: "A...God, as we understand Him." Each member is graciously given the opportunity to design a God, or Higher Power, that fits their concept of a power greater than themselves that is benevolent and loving and always there for them. It would be hard to argue that our Savior doesn't fit that description, because He does. But faith, testimonies, scriptures and priesthood blessings directing us to our Savior, to be blessed and healed by His redemptive act of atonement, are not discussed in the original 12 Step fellowships.

What a great and wonderful blessing it has been for me to be in the LDS Recovery Groups! To have the added benefit of the Priesthood and the clear focus of building, and continually strengthening, a personal, intimate relationship with my Savior, my Jesus.

I have been free of addictive use of amphetamines, narcotics and alcohol for 18-1/2 years. I have been free of bulimic behavior for 13 years. I am no longer bitter, angry, resentful or full of self-pity. My testimony and understanding of the Gospel have gone to a deeper level. Much deeper than ever before. And I am by no means done. What a tender, loving journey this life is, when it is in the company of our Lord and Savior, and with the blessings of the Priesthood. This I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

 

 

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